I saw his package. It spoke to me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
