I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
