i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
