yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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