i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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