Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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