I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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