I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
