Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
