I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
