We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
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oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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