The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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