I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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