oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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