i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
