I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
