that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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