If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
