Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
