Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
