I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
