I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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