You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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