I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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