My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
