broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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