True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
