your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
