i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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