The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
