The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I believe in your delicious
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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