I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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