Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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