Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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