i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
