I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize