in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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