If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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