Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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