So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
