I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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