Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
