Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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