I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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