so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
