Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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