And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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