when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
did you just send me my own nude
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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