She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
