Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The Olympian is in my bed
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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