I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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