If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
