Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
found the other keg... it's in the tree
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
