It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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