im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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