I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
