Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
