i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
